dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok