I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief