37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
oh shit
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van