if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”