Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Meow
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Wednesday
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
my fav colour is also hitler
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.