[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
🤔😂😂
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.