North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.