I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me checking my bank balance online.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Fight
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.