” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
You Might Also Like
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Stop.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!