Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Wednesday
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.