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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it