*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
🤣could you imagine
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.