There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.