*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Damn he played himself
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”