8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me as a therapist: omg same
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes