worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.