This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can鈥檛. If you鈥檇 rather run me over with a car that鈥檚 cool. Are you mad at me?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
We鈥檝e all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.