Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭