The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
sigh
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Made something I’m not proud of
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
🍛
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”