family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks