My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.