I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER