Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Breakfast for Stoners:
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug