Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
A family that plays together cheats.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it