St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
You Might Also Like
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea