Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed