Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Sell your car
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.