People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
When the stylist spins you back around
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.