“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Oh deer
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”