“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
You Might Also Like
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
who wants to go expliring
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: