[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside