Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
How animals would run if they were human
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?