Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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Introverted vegans go meetless
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap