Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]