You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
*sewing*
A thread
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.