Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.