You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*