just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
You Might Also Like
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.