Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Don’t snitch tag.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep