[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
You Might Also Like
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Girl, same.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today