Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Good dog. ❤️
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides