My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.