Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
being a writer on Twitter:
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say