they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
You Might Also Like
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
gentlemen, hear me out
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
The Punning Dead.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin