MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
That’s no pocket rocket.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
When you let grandma cat sit
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.