I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
You Might Also Like
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”