The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
We are the people our parents warned us about.