This could’ve been an email.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
🐕🍷
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind