Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Never forget.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made