The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.